"She looks good. For someone in her thirties."

We all know what that means. It doesn't matter whether it's "thirties," or "forties," or "fifties," it's a compliment offered with a qualification. A statement that offers praise yet leaves something unspoken. It introduces perspective, comparison, and context. She doesn't look universally good; she looks good when compared to others her own age. It can be a polite compliment, like "I love that sweater on you," or it can be a heartfelt way to get someone to see real beauty where she is only seeing the past. It can be sweet, and it can be horribly snide.

We tend to judge our own appearance according to the best we have ever looked, which usually is when we are teenagers or young adults. A woman can be strikingly beautiful, but she might see only wrinkles and the tag on her jeans that has gone up a size or two. It can be a nice thing to point out that she looks ten years younger than she is, and that, compared to others her age, she's amazing. So the way one takes the "compliment" depends itself on context.

Since you're here you probably know what spurred my desire to discuss this topic, but in case you don't, I was recently offered a modeling job in Palermo, Sicily. It has been a few years since I have modeled and I didn't think I had any business doing it again.  These days any woman can connect with a photographer and trade modeling for photos. Some women just want to try it out, and others want to try making a career of it. That's great! But sometimes you see women doing it because they are infatuated with the image of being a model, as if that is some lofty aspiration in the first place, or doing it out of insecurity. It's even worse when a woman who had vague success at it years ago stopped at the right point, but for the wrong reasons tries it again.  I know all that, so why did I say yes?  The offer was validating enough so why take the risk of embarrassment and go through with it?

I wasn't sure at first.  Most of my friends were supportive and said I should do it, but I was reluctant and it took me some thought to figure out where it was coming from.  It wasn't my career—if it hasn't been affected by thousands of pictures out there already, a few more aren't going to do it.  I think it was the fear of blithely going out there and expecting what I used to see, but instead seeing a sad, conceited person trying to hold onto glory days.  It's like an athlete or musician who can't be satisfied reflecting on a great career, and instead comes back for one last hurrah but doesn't have it anymore.  Think 1977 Elvis, in leather pants that bulge in the wrong places. That last effort is remembered more than what came before it, and instead of ending on a high note you're that person who is thought of as a joke, by yourself most of all.  Obviously I'm not any kind of celebrity and if the pictures looked that way no one but the photographer and I would see them, but it's my own opinion of myself I worried about.

When I was in my twenties I ate whatever I wanted, worked out only enough to keep up my tennis game and didn't take care of myself at all.  When I turned thirty, all of a sudden things started moving, and I had to work very hard just to maintain.  I have managed to not get much heavier, but things have changed and shifted.  A male friend of mine recently said that my body has "matured." Men.....

I realized after thinking about it that I was coming at it from the wrong angle.  It's not enough to think about why you shouldn't do something. You should also think about why you should do something. This was where my reluctance was coming from. There was no positive reason to do it. I've done hundreds of photo shoots, and any sense of novelty or false feeling that it makes you special wore off a long time ago. Being a model is just a job, but with no retirement plan. A free trip to Sicily and a decent paycheck are nice, but I already work in Europe, and make an adequate living.

Of course I can't compare myself now to how I looked in my twenties.  I don't look like I did then, not even close.  But I take care of myself, and I think women who look "good" in their mid thirties have more to be proud of than a woman who looks "great" at twenty. You expect a twenty year old model to look perfect, and when people see her they can appreciate her beauty, but they rarely attribute a sense of accomplishment to her.  She's beautiful because she's young, has good genes, and doesn't treat her body too badly. What's to be impressed with there?

I don't want people to get the wrong idea. I know that a 35 year old is not "old" and I am not suggesting that anyone even a lot older than that is "old." I'm discussing the concept of change, which we are constantly confronted with, and which is relevant at any age.

So, what if I framed my goal for this shoot differently? Instead of doing it to see how close to a twenty year old I still am, what if I did it to see what kind of thirty-five year old I have turned out to be? Wouldn't that be a measure of success that I could actually be proud of?

It would be too bad to have a lot of pictures from when I was in my twenties, when many women can look good without even trying, and nothing showing what I've done with myself after.  Sure I did a shoot a couple of years ago in my early thirties, but I had some notice and spent time getting ready for it. This shoot would allow me no time to do anything to get ready. "Come as you are, we'll see you next week," in the shape I am in normally.

These pictures wouldn't be a measure of intrinsic beauty; they would represent accomplishment, maintaining a balance of staying healthy while pursuing a demanding professional career. How I or others will judge the photos will depend on perspective and context. If my context is "here is who I am now," and not "I still think I look like I'm 20" then I won't see that sad person looking backward instead of forward.

I never thought I would model professionally again.  I never even wanted to be a model in the first place.  I only did it so I could travel.  But you know what?  A woman doesn't need validation from random social media followers to feel good about herself.  I have transformed my vision of who I am, just like my metabolism and age have transformed my body.

So in keeping with the theme of my "who does she think she is" website, here is a set of photographs of me that were taken less than a week ago.  When you compare them to pictures taken three, five, or ten years ago, feel free to see someone who has "matured."  I like the model in these better than anything I ever did back then. I think she looks pretty good. For a 35 year old.

I'll see you back here for another photo shoot in five years!

To see the photos from this shoot, click here. (NSFW)